I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
