I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
