Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
