I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
