Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
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