In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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