I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
