I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
