I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
