All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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