last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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