She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
