I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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