I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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