Where is the hickey?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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