Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
