i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
