you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
