I'm so fucking centered right now
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
