just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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