i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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