Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
