I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
