I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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