which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
don't judge my taste in strippers
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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