No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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