just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
