the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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