Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm too high and old for this...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
