I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
