When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
