who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
