Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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