She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
