Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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