god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
