Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
