i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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