youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
