I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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