it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
