if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
