I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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