I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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