I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
