OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
