I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
