Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
