we have pet lesbian snakes
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
sarcasm needs its own font
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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