i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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